amazingly calm

argh!!!!After 3 weeks of pure stress, tension, anxiety attacks, mad MAD rushes of thought and a stomach that rivalled the worst tornados in history, I am sitting here at my newly constructed desk here in KY and I am calm, content, a little stuffy in the head (change of temps, of course) and extremely happy. I have to say that it’s Amazing, with the capital “A”. I am stunned, how could just 2000+ miles and a 50 degree drop in temperature make SUCH a large difference in my temperament and headspace? But my good friend DJ would call me a Big Head and tell me that it’s obvious and that I should just sit back and enjoy it.

So, all that to say that after 3 weeks of madness, I am finally in Kentucky with my honey-sunshine and living large.

It’s been a Terrible 3 weeks. Anxiety was my companion through all those weeks, hence my long silence. I just couldn’t sit still long enough to compose a blog post. WoW helped a LOT, except for when the brain finally quieted enough to realize that I was goofing off instead of DOING something, then the cycle started again. Breath would shorten, bowels would tighten, head would start to throb and the screams would start in my head. It was very unpleasant. This is the best way I can describe what my head was like to you, but somehow I don’t believe I have done it true justice.

I had so much to accomplish in such a short space of time and none of it was getting done because I was just too much of a mess to get anything done. I mean simple things like eating and sleeping were a challenge. Well, not so much the eating – that part I had down. It was the sleeping part that was ridiculous. I don’t think I have slept well in about a month.

Anyway – enough of that crap. Moving on … Continue reading amazingly calm

updates

moving.gifJust popping in to update you on the progress of the move.

Most of my junk has either been disposed of (6 more garbage bags today – don’t know WHERE I got this stuff, much less where I was keeping it) or transported to the parents. What’s left? Couple of items of clothes, network equipment and tech junk and a couple of books. And oh yes, the kitchen stuff.

The fridge has already found a new owner who will be picking it up in the morning. Which means I have to get up and empty the fridge for them and clear a path to the doorway. The rest of the stuff can pretty much be loaded straight onto the truck as is.

I packed up my iMac and took it around today. Imagine my horror to find that the box is falling apart!!! I nearly lost my precious iMac on my Mom’s kitchen floor. Oh how I would have died from the crying! Anyway, since I caught it before it fell out, I’ve sort of shored up the box to keep it until I get there tomorrow. But clearly, a new box has to be sought in order to transport it to the hubby come next month. Yes, I am taking it with me on the visit since it’ll be easier to find an apple store and have them deal with the freezing issue there than to try and ship it from here or even attempt to get the local support to deal with it before 6 months.

Wait a sec – couldn’t I just mail apple and have them send me packaging? I dunno – I guess it won’t hurt to try.

Anyway, I’m a little tired. So I’m going to lay down in my bed for a little while here … at least until hubby gets home. So talk to you all tomorrow.

freedom!

new_banner1.jpgIt’s amazing how free I feel tonight.  Today was my last day at work, and although leaving was bittersweet, I feel a sense of relief and freedom. Bittersweet because so many people stepped forward to tell me how much they would miss me and how they wished me well. It was stunning. I didn’t think there were many people who even liked me. But apparently, I was wrong. It seems I made SOME kind of impact.

Of course, the day (and week) wasn’t without the less tasteful aspects. There were some slightly disappointing moments when I had all my suspicions confirmed about the type of people with whom I have worked with for 3 years. Fortunately, the impact that this has had on me is to make me pity them.  For the complete lack of compassion, professionalism and courtesy will only serve to make life hard for them in the long run.

All in all, I think I have managed to shed most of the ill feelings that have been simmering for months. Right now, I am left with regret for leaving in the manner I have – disappointment and a sense of having less of an impact on the work than I could have had; guilt for leaving a gaping hole; sadness for it having to have ended this way and sadness that people really have no clue how to deal with each other or think for themselves.

To sum all that up? NO negativity at all whatsoever. I thought I would feel a malicious glee … but that feeling passed quickly after having visited a couple of times this week.

What have I taken away from this experience? For this is of the utmost importance. One must always learn from one’s experiences. For me … I have learned that people don’t always say what they feel until the very last moment and that sometimes it’s good to say what you feel when you feel it. I have learned that working is not about paying the bills only, one must enjoy one’s work if even a tiny bit – because when the work becomes stressful or boring or overwhelming, one must have some motivation to keep on keeping on. And finally, I have learned that maybe I need to be a little more discerning about what kind of work I choose to do.

For sure there are other lessons that I have neglected to mention. These, however, sum up the most important ones.

It struck me today that in my 17 years of working, I have never once taken a real break. I have usually moved onto the next assignment within a month of leaving one.  Most people don’t have the opportunity to take a break, but considering how stressful my jobs have been, especially in the last 10 years as well as how sensitive I am and couple that with taking on ill-fitting assignments … well, I need a break.

A break to sit back and think about where my career is going – if anywhere. What *I* want to do with my life and where to go next. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this … and by all means I intend to make the most of it.

The best part of this all, is the support that my wonderful husband-to-be is showering me with. That has empowered and bolstered me and I think that I finally have the inner strength to actually make the necessary changes so that my own fulfillment is solid.

I have struck the jackpot. I don’t think any lottery winnings could make a girl feel happier than I do right now….   wait. Scratch that. Lottery winnings would be the icing on the  cake. Which reminds me, I think I’ll buy some tickets this coming week. Ya never know – maybe my luck hasn’t run out yet. 😀

self-discovery

Isn’t it amazing what one discovers about oneself during the natural course of life?magnifyingglass.jpg

Had a call from hubby today and he was yelling in frustration. It was hard to hear him so pissed. And what hit me was this:

Being as sensitive as I have always been, I’ve usually been vulnerable. And more often than not, I get beat on as the weakling. In fact, one of my earliest recollections of my first few years of school were constant and very cruel teasing and abuse from fellow students. In those days, I never knew how to react. One day I blew right open – I threw a compass (yea, you know those things you use to draw geometric curves?) at the girl who would NOT get off my case. She ducked, and the compass embedded itself into the chalkboard behind her head on the wall.

I was instantly mortified. Such violence. Where did it come from?

I believe that I was enabled that day. The teacher, though equally appalled at my reaction, cautioned the girl in question against too much teasing and bullying. To her credit, she turned to me and lectured me that violence was not a valid or productive outlet for my frustrations, but I came away with a feeling of victory from that experience.

It concreted itself over the years when I never got any results from anyone for anything unless I got loud and violent. Countless times over my years, I have only ever got people to listen to what I am saying … to REALLY LISTEN when I yelled and threw things. It is now that I am realizing that my diminutive stature plus my tendency to be quiet and unassuming doesn’t help in this matter.

The really startling discovery here though, is that I am hurting the most when I am at my nastiest. It’s when I don’t want to break down and cry with humiliation and despair that I shout and break things and call people ugly, dark names. And it’s when I need the comfort and love the most, that I turn people away with the worst disdain and hate that I can summon.

I need a change.

newness

micebox.JPGGreetings Faithful Readers.

Yes, things look a LOT different around here, eh? Yea. Well, this is the new blog and we should start to see some activity on here come December 21st, in the meanwhile, check out some more info here.

I’m still posting at the old blog, in case you’re at all interested. So check for new posts there.

Oh yes, lots of links got broken on the site last night as I was fooling around with my new blog etc. So if you find that some pictures are missing, or the gallery doesn’t load …. well, bear with me a while longer while I sort out the mess I made while deprived of sleep at midnight on a … was going to say Dark and Rainy, but it wasn’t either of those last night. I was just tired and excited. Heh.

See you all soon.

YUSH