So, this whole experience has been one big adjustment for me. There have been moments when I am having loads of fun, and others when I feel so completely out of my depth and out of place that I almost want to cry. Today, it occurred to me that things are going as well as can be expected … but one of the things that I have NOT spent any real time appreciating is the quiet. Nevermind that the furnace and humidifiers hum all the time, there is no traffic noises, no loud boom-boom music, no gunshots (oh wait – does mortar shells being exploded count?) …. it IS indeed very quiet and for that I am extremely grateful. I think my mind is finally beginning to calm down and take stock of where I am at.
Of course, the result of THAT process is a realization of where I am at …. REALLY and TRULY. And for the Fyr of old, it is a most decidedly uncomfortable position to be in. Aside from being completely dependent, I seem to be getting ill. My stomach has been acting all weird for a couple of days now and at first I thought it might be the Soy milk – however, considering I had Soy milk almost 24 hours ago, there is no real reason why it should still be upsetting me now. I am beginning to think I have some kind of stomach flu … or something. I am watching it and hoping that it doesn’t get serious and that it clears up on it’s own …. another visit to the emergency room is not something I am really looking forward to at all.
Anyway, the good news is that the humidifiers are working wonders for me. I have less issues with the nose on awakening and throughout the day now. Also, with the help of my good friends Mz.Understood and Mistikhal, I am more prepared for the temps -attire especially – than I was when I got here. Isn’t it amazing what misconceptions one develops on topics that one knows nothing about? I had thought that in the house I would need only to wear such things as my long jammies and slippers … that isn’t enough. Even though the house is heated, I needed bulkier and more insulated clothes and shoes. A visit to Walmart fixed me right up.
It should be snowing out now. They forecast some snow in the wee hours of the morning and I haven’t checked, but I do believe the temp rose a bit. I just took a peek – it’s dark out still but my little flashlight afforded me the view of snowflakes on the ground and falling. Maybe it’ll be a pretty morning later on – we’ll see. Expect more pictures as I am STILL within my right to be a complete gladdice about snow – thanksomuchgood.
Anyhow, it’s late, the hubby should be home soon … I think I am going to try and get a headstart on sleep before he gets in. Yes, I know it’s like 5am …. he’s running the graveyard this week… poor sunshine. Anyway – it’ll be nice to cuddle in bed here now.
Look out for picts tomorrow, eh?
I woke up sweating this morning. The hubby had already left for work and I was literally melting under the covers. So I got up, took a nice shower, lathered body oil over the bod (since the cold HATES my skin) and strut downstairs – brave in my t-shirt and sweatpants only. I am making tea because I need something hot in my tummy and I am STILL warm. What the hell? Did hubby turn the heat up? I go check the thermostat, and it’s still at 75, so WHY am I so hot?
O wait .. they said it was going to snow last night… did it?
I peep through the front door and lo and behold! snow and ice cover the ground. Doh! That’s why it’s so warm – I edge the thermostat down about 3 degrees and grab my camera.
Oh STOP making fun of me, will ya?! This is my second winter where there is snow and ice … just allow me to enjoy it, m’k? If you all are right, it’ll be old for me in a year or 2. Let me at least have some memories to laugh at, eh?
So, pictures ensued – nevermind that it’s still dark out and that the snow is already melting into ice … I took 2 pictures anyway. What’s that? Where are they? Oh wait – I thought you weren’t interested? 😛
I’ve been here less than a week, and I am already thinking it was worth the stress to come. I am SO having the best vacation ever. ::dreamy sigh::
I woke up this morning and was greeted with one of the scariest, saddest, most troubling message on my IM. In many ways, it is a message that carries meanings that I don’t think that I can either articulate clearly nor do I believe that this is even the right time to go into some of those meanings.
So, instead, I post an image, send a thought and a prayer, and close my eyes and send warm hugs, comfort and commiseration to my good friend who is dealing with a particularly painful loss today.
To her: You know I feel your pain with you. Know too, then, that you are in my thoughts.
Originally uploaded by FyrFli
Well, I am certainly being your typical tourist today!!! I keep running to the doors (front AND back) to snap photos of the snow!!! I am being a REAL Gladdice – yes, I know!!! 😀
It hasn’t been all that cold today, although that might be because my jaunts outside are a few minutes at a time at best. But I am all wrapped up in my Jamaica pullover and Hanes jammies and socks … so I am cozy-ified.
It’s dreary and overcast out, has been since I got here, but it hasn’t started affecting me … and I am wondering if it will. I have become less and less of an outside person – would that make much of a difference? I dunno. Time will tell.
One thing is for CERTAIN – I am here, I am happy, I am content. I don’t want to leave …. EVER.
After 3 weeks of pure stress, tension, anxiety attacks, mad MAD rushes of thought and a stomach that rivalled the worst tornados in history, I am sitting here at my newly constructed desk here in KY and I am calm, content, a little stuffy in the head (change of temps, of course) and extremely happy. I have to say that it’s Amazing, with the capital “A”. I am stunned, how could just 2000+ miles and a 50 degree drop in temperature make SUCH a large difference in my temperament and headspace? But my good friend DJ would call me a Big Head and tell me that it’s obvious and that I should just sit back and enjoy it.
So, all that to say that after 3 weeks of madness, I am finally in Kentucky with my honey-sunshine and living large.
It’s been a Terrible 3 weeks. Anxiety was my companion through all those weeks, hence my long silence. I just couldn’t sit still long enough to compose a blog post. WoW helped a LOT, except for when the brain finally quieted enough to realize that I was goofing off instead of DOING something, then the cycle started again. Breath would shorten, bowels would tighten, head would start to throb and the screams would start in my head. It was very unpleasant. This is the best way I can describe what my head was like to you, but somehow I don’t believe I have done it true justice.
I had so much to accomplish in such a short space of time and none of it was getting done because I was just too much of a mess to get anything done. I mean simple things like eating and sleeping were a challenge. Well, not so much the eating – that part I had down. It was the sleeping part that was ridiculous. I don’t think I have slept well in about a month.
Anyway – enough of that crap. Moving on … Continue reading amazingly calm
Just popping in to update you on the progress of the move.
Most of my junk has either been disposed of (6 more garbage bags today – don’t know WHERE I got this stuff, much less where I was keeping it) or transported to the parents. What’s left? Couple of items of clothes, network equipment and tech junk and a couple of books. And oh yes, the kitchen stuff.
The fridge has already found a new owner who will be picking it up in the morning. Which means I have to get up and empty the fridge for them and clear a path to the doorway. The rest of the stuff can pretty much be loaded straight onto the truck as is.
I packed up my iMac and took it around today. Imagine my horror to find that the box is falling apart!!! I nearly lost my precious iMac on my Mom’s kitchen floor. Oh how I would have died from the crying! Anyway, since I caught it before it fell out, I’ve sort of shored up the box to keep it until I get there tomorrow. But clearly, a new box has to be sought in order to transport it to the hubby come next month. Yes, I am taking it with me on the visit since it’ll be easier to find an apple store and have them deal with the freezing issue there than to try and ship it from here or even attempt to get the local support to deal with it before 6 months.
Wait a sec – couldn’t I just mail apple and have them send me packaging? I dunno – I guess it won’t hurt to try.
Anyway, I’m a little tired. So I’m going to lay down in my bed for a little while here … at least until hubby gets home. So talk to you all tomorrow.
It’s amazing how free I feel tonight. Today was my last day at work, and although leaving was bittersweet, I feel a sense of relief and freedom. Bittersweet because so many people stepped forward to tell me how much they would miss me and how they wished me well. It was stunning. I didn’t think there were many people who even liked me. But apparently, I was wrong. It seems I made SOME kind of impact.
Of course, the day (and week) wasn’t without the less tasteful aspects. There were some slightly disappointing moments when I had all my suspicions confirmed about the type of people with whom I have worked with for 3 years. Fortunately, the impact that this has had on me is to make me pity them. For the complete lack of compassion, professionalism and courtesy will only serve to make life hard for them in the long run.
All in all, I think I have managed to shed most of the ill feelings that have been simmering for months. Right now, I am left with regret for leaving in the manner I have – disappointment and a sense of having less of an impact on the work than I could have had; guilt for leaving a gaping hole; sadness for it having to have ended this way and sadness that people really have no clue how to deal with each other or think for themselves.
To sum all that up? NO negativity at all whatsoever. I thought I would feel a malicious glee … but that feeling passed quickly after having visited a couple of times this week.
What have I taken away from this experience? For this is of the utmost importance. One must always learn from one’s experiences. For me … I have learned that people don’t always say what they feel until the very last moment and that sometimes it’s good to say what you feel when you feel it. I have learned that working is not about paying the bills only, one must enjoy one’s work if even a tiny bit – because when the work becomes stressful or boring or overwhelming, one must have some motivation to keep on keeping on. And finally, I have learned that maybe I need to be a little more discerning about what kind of work I choose to do.
For sure there are other lessons that I have neglected to mention. These, however, sum up the most important ones.
It struck me today that in my 17 years of working, I have never once taken a real break. I have usually moved onto the next assignment within a month of leaving one. Most people don’t have the opportunity to take a break, but considering how stressful my jobs have been, especially in the last 10 years as well as how sensitive I am and couple that with taking on ill-fitting assignments … well, I need a break.
A break to sit back and think about where my career is going – if anywhere. What *I* want to do with my life and where to go next. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this … and by all means I intend to make the most of it.
The best part of this all, is the support that my wonderful husband-to-be is showering me with. That has empowered and bolstered me and I think that I finally have the inner strength to actually make the necessary changes so that my own fulfillment is solid.
I have struck the jackpot. I don’t think any lottery winnings could make a girl feel happier than I do right now…. wait. Scratch that. Lottery winnings would be the icing on the cake. Which reminds me, I think I’ll buy some tickets this coming week. Ya never know – maybe my luck hasn’t run out yet. 😀
Isn’t it amazing what one discovers about oneself during the natural course of life?
Had a call from hubby today and he was yelling in frustration. It was hard to hear him so pissed. And what hit me was this:
Being as sensitive as I have always been, I’ve usually been vulnerable. And more often than not, I get beat on as the weakling. In fact, one of my earliest recollections of my first few years of school were constant and very cruel teasing and abuse from fellow students. In those days, I never knew how to react. One day I blew right open – I threw a compass (yea, you know those things you use to draw geometric curves?) at the girl who would NOT get off my case. She ducked, and the compass embedded itself into the chalkboard behind her head on the wall.
I was instantly mortified. Such violence. Where did it come from?
I believe that I was enabled that day. The teacher, though equally appalled at my reaction, cautioned the girl in question against too much teasing and bullying. To her credit, she turned to me and lectured me that violence was not a valid or productive outlet for my frustrations, but I came away with a feeling of victory from that experience.
It concreted itself over the years when I never got any results from anyone for anything unless I got loud and violent. Countless times over my years, I have only ever got people to listen to what I am saying … to REALLY LISTEN when I yelled and threw things. It is now that I am realizing that my diminutive stature plus my tendency to be quiet and unassuming doesn’t help in this matter.
The really startling discovery here though, is that I am hurting the most when I am at my nastiest. It’s when I don’t want to break down and cry with humiliation and despair that I shout and break things and call people ugly, dark names. And it’s when I need the comfort and love the most, that I turn people away with the worst disdain and hate that I can summon.
I need a change.
Greetings Faithful Readers.
Yes, things look a LOT different around here, eh? Yea. Well, this is the new blog and we should start to see some activity on here come December 21st, in the meanwhile, check out some more info here.
I’m still posting at the old blog, in case you’re at all interested. So check for new posts there.
Oh yes, lots of links got broken on the site last night as I was fooling around with my new blog etc. So if you find that some pictures are missing, or the gallery doesn’t load …. well, bear with me a while longer while I sort out the mess I made while deprived of sleep at midnight on a … was going to say Dark and Rainy, but it wasn’t either of those last night. I was just tired and excited. Heh.
See you all soon.