So, I am talking to my friend mistikhal on IM this morning and he expressed disappointment at what he called another geek-girl myth exploded. His comment was that the Fyr was becoming more Camille. And it hit me that I have never really spoken about my name and how I got it.
I mean, SOME people might know the story, but most don’t. So here goes:
I once dated a guy they called Ice. He said it was mostly because he tended to be so unemotional and unmoved. We talked once about how our personalities were so different – him cold and me fiery and passionate- well compared to him anyway. Well, soon after that, we both joined an online forum for racing enthusiasts and he had no problems with a “handle” … I, on the other hand, having never had a nickname anyone would be proud of, was having a little trouble. So we both kind of came up with “Fyre”. And so Fyre I became.
A little after that, I was in the market for a magickal name. Everyone pagan has a name that is descriptive of their magickal persona. The name is chosen from many different sources. One of those is from the animal spirit guide name. Your animal spirit guide is the animal who is most often represented in your everyday life whether literally or figuratively. For me, the firefly was an image (and concept) that had followed me around almost all my life. Fireflies seemed to always find me, even the oddest of places. The concept of a creature who carries around it’s own illumination, it’s own source of light … is one that is not at odds with who I have been all my life.
My independence is a joke amongst my friends. So much so that my recent decision to become heavily dependent was a shock to everybody … even me. I am independent to a fault. I will go OUT of my way to not ask for help, for example. So while a firefly isn’t as extreme, the concept of the firefly fits.
And so, FyrFli was borne.
Many years have passed since those days. And while I am neither independent to a fault, of fiery personality or even remotely excessively passionate, I think my mind still holds on to these aspects in a small way. Every so often, the tendency to push people away and do for myself rears its head. Thankfully, the people who I have chosen to surround myself with now are understanding and loving enough to point out when I am being a bitch. And I can back down and be interdependent instead.
My independence has always come from a fear of being so dependent as to being a burden. I have always found it difficult to separate dependency from burden; and the line between the 2 does blurr at times. However, I am fast learning that while dependence means surrendering some amount of control over ones life and self, it does not mean it completely. And I now know that I can be dependent without being a burden.
Interdependent is the perfect state that we need to aim for. One wants to strive for a situation where one is in a situation where everybody depends on someone else for something. That way no ONE person feels the burden of any other. And I think I am doing pretty good at being interdependent. I am enjoying being the woman who my husband depends on for a space he can come home to that is filled with love, laughter, warmth, nourishment and comfort. Surprisingly, after a month of being a housewife exclusively, I am not yet completely annoyed by the role. I am still enjoying it immensely. And even though I do still have those irrational feelings of quiet resentment of possibly being taken for granted, they are less in number and duration. I am adjusting and it’s wonderful.