Yesterday morning, I watched my husband get ready for his first day of “Road to war” training. As usual, he got into full uniform (ACUs they are called) and then grabbed his armor and put that on too. That armor is heavy as shit, let me tell you. When he first put it together, he allowed me to try and lift it and that was a total disaster – I don’t think I budged the thing 2 inches off the ground. If I had to guess, it weighs almost as much as I do … and these days I’m not that much of a lightweight anymore.
So, he is standing in our dining room, armor on, helmet in hand and telling me goodbye and all of a sudden …. tears.
It was a very odd feeling, because I had not – up to this point – merged images of those soldiers you see on TV in full armor with guns with images of my own husband. And all of a sudden, his face was imposed on their faces and it HIT me that he is going to war.
I blogged earlier about not being prepared for this deployment and needing to have a plan and I think I was worried that the whole shebang would creep on me and dump a world of hurt when I least expected it.
I guess I was wrong. I am being prepared every single day for it. In small bits and pieces, yes, but still …
Even more so now that he plays Rainbow Six every night before bed and I watch him and see him so into the game. Last night, I asked him whether the game was in any way realistic and if he thought it might help him somehow. He barely looked at me and said “I think so” and I realized then and there that whether he wants to admit it or not, he is a little excited at going.
It sounds pretty ghoulish, but when it comes down to it, he IS a soldier. This is pretty much what he’s been training for all his career. Why should he NOT be even the tiniest bit excited? I don’t begrudge him that at all.
At the end of the day, I only wish one thing for him – that he return to me. In one piece of mind and body would be preferable, but I recognize that will be a feat in itself considering where he is going, and so I humbly ask only that he return to me.