It’s funny the things that remind of you of past experiences.
The man-once-known-as-the-cockroach came storming into my head tonite. He said to me a couple of times that he never wanted anything from me that I would be able to hold against him later on. At the time, I despised him for judging me that way; for rebuffing my selflessness so callously; for making me doubt myself.
Funnier still is how I know now, how he felt. That I also now wish I had rebuffed gifts that have come back to haunt me.
But you see … that is not me. I take people at face value. If you tell me you are genuinely giving me something just because, I am going to accept it because I trust that genuineness completely. By the same token, I am going to give in return. And my friend DJ scolded me tonite “you give too much of yourself; that is your problem”.
He’s right … in a way. I gave so much to the man-once-known-as-the-cockroach that I had nothing left in the end for me. I became bitter and depressed. And it wasn’t so much that I didn’t get back, but more because my giving was unappreciated. My leaving him proved to him, I would like to think, that I never intended to hold anything against him … save his being closed to me in every way. How so you ask? Well, because I left him with everything and took nothing. Started over from scratch … again.
One night, when I was in my new home and wondering what to do with myself … he turns up with about a million bagfuls of stuff for me. Stuff for the kitchen, the bedroom …. stuff that I need. It hit him, I think, that I had nothing left and he was thoughtful enough to bring me stuff he knew I would need.
How’s that for grand gestures?
At this juncture, I cringe calling him the cockroach, because in all honesty, he was a victim of his own experiences without the tools to deal with them and be healthy about other relationships. It boiled down to me being at the right place at the wrong time. Nevertheless, I can rest easy in the knowledge that after the drama, he came away from our relationship with lessons that he can take into the future. Despite what we did to each other, somehow we came away with positive thoughts. Because now, I think of him not with hate in my heart, but with a kind of distant … oh I don’t know. It’s benign, this feeling, basically how you feel when you wish someone well and place them securely in the past.
Nobody is perfect, everybody has the capacity to learn … and it is their right to be given the chance to demonstrate that they have learnt. I think he will get his chance, and I hope he will exercise better judgement when it happens.
It is why my nickname is fyrfli (firefly) … I seem to have the knack for lighting people’s lives in one way or another – if even only slightly and for a moment. The best part of it is …. every single experience lights my own way even more than the last. At the end of my life, I like to visualize me on my death bed with a bountiful glow of light around me and people weeping at my departure.
Ha! How arrogant is that?