life lessons

It’s funny the things that remind of you of past experiences.

The man-once-known-as-the-cockroach came storming into my head tonite. He said to me a couple of times that he never wanted anything from me that I would be able to hold against him later on. At the time, I despised him for judging me that way; for rebuffing my selflessness so callously; for making me doubt myself.

Funnier still is how I know now, how he felt. That I also now wish I had rebuffed gifts that have come back to haunt me.

But you see … that is not me. I take people at face value. If you tell me you are genuinely giving me something just because, I am going to accept it because I trust that genuineness completely.  By the same token, I am going to give in return. And my friend DJ scolded me tonite “you give too much of yourself; that is your problem”.

He’s right … in a way. I gave so much to the man-once-known-as-the-cockroach that I had nothing left in the end for me. I became bitter and depressed. And it wasn’t so much that I didn’t get back, but more because my giving was unappreciated. My leaving him proved to him, I would like to think, that I never intended to hold anything against him … save his being closed to me in every way. How so you ask?  Well, because I left him with everything and took nothing. Started over from scratch … again.

One night, when I was in my new home and wondering what to do with myself … he turns up with about a million bagfuls of stuff for me. Stuff for the kitchen, the bedroom …. stuff that I need. It hit him, I think, that I had nothing left and he was thoughtful enough to bring me stuff he knew I would need.

How’s that for grand gestures?

At this juncture, I cringe calling him the cockroach, because in all honesty, he was a victim of his own experiences without the tools to deal with them and be healthy about other relationships. It boiled down to me being at the right place at the wrong time. Nevertheless, I can rest easy in the knowledge that after the drama, he came away from our relationship with lessons that he can take into the future. Despite what we did to each other, somehow we came away with positive thoughts. Because now, I think of him not with hate in my heart, but with a kind of distant … oh I don’t know. It’s benign, this feeling, basically how you feel when you wish someone well and place them securely in the past.

Nobody is perfect, everybody has the capacity to learn … and it is their right to be given the chance to demonstrate that they have learnt. I think he will get his chance, and I hope he will exercise better judgement when it happens.

It is why my nickname is fyrfli (firefly) … I seem to have the knack for lighting people’s lives in one way or another – if even only slightly and for a moment. The best part of it is …. every single experience lights my own way even more than the last. At the end of my life, I like to visualize me on my death bed with a bountiful glow of light around me and people weeping at my departure.

Ha! How arrogant is that? :)

a little late

It was riseabove who made me aware of it first. Well, I mean … I had heard of it before, but never knew it was like a daily posting thing. Apparently, not only did I know about it, but I had it subscribed on my google reader and forgot, or didn’t realize it … but honestly, I needed the laughs this morning:

humorous pictures
see more crazy cat pics

this is priceless

Found this just now on Michael Hanscon’s blog and had to share …. see if you can guess where these scenes are from:

A bit of pseudo-Shakespearean silliness, originally by ceruleanst:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know’st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.


J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen’s own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT’s throat
J: Speak ‘What’ again! Thou cur, cry ‘What’ again!
I dare thee utter ‘What’ again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but ‘What’,
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

(via Boing Boing)

lots to say … maybe

So, this weekend was … eventual eventful (thanks Phoenix).

I put the final touch on a problem I’ve been having for a couple of weeks. I think I can safely put that behind me now. It’s been on my mind a lot. I looked back over the evidence and realized that there were a lot of signs that I chose to ignore. Maybe I should have acknowledged them as they happened, maybe not. I suspect nothing would have helped and the outcome would have been the same anyway – and that has put my mind at ease. One cannot fight the inevitable. /sigh Such is life. We handle, mourn and move on.

Mum and I cleared the kitchen utensils … for the most part that’s taken care of. Next order of business, some junk she’s been storing for years and just won’t get rid of. I had grand plans of tackling that today, but I woke up feeling like proverbial CRAP. I know why, and I know how to fix it, but I just can’t seem to …. do it. I’ll get it.

So, I finally called the mother-in-law to be. I was SO nervous and it’s funny … I didn’t need to be. She was happy to hear from me. And we talked for 30 minutes about stuff. First I had to explain to her that when I called her Mrs. MIL (as she will be known on here from now on), it was purely in a cultural perspective since Caribbean peoples see it as a sign of disrespect to call elders by their first names. She was amused and told me to call her whatever I felt comfortable in calling her. :) You see, when I met her back in January, she introduced herself (as did her husband) by their first names. And that just … startled me. Just one more cultural difference that we’re gonna have to get past. It’s no biggie – so long as I make it known when they come into play.

She then went on to tell me that NASCAR races are hosted there every year and that it is a madhouse that I may want to avoid. So that put our wedding date completely out of the question. It was to be my birthday – hehe – smart hubby. ;) Anyway, we’ve decided that maybe a week later will be good – and on a weekend to give everybody who works or whatever the chance to have a little breathing space in terms of getting there and back home without too much disruption to their schedules. It will also give us an extra week to get stuff sorted too. So all round, it’s much better this way.

Then finally, we talked about the reception. Something honey-sunshine and I had said that we probably could not afford – certainly not in the extravagance that is customary. We have a plan – sort of. But Mrs. MIL made sure to remind me that little can be done before I get there. And the thing is, that’s fine. What I really needed to know is that I had someone on the ground who could react at a moment’s notice in the event of … well, in the event of anything. All of you who know me well will know what a worry-wart I am, and how I can’t rest easy until I think I have everything thought of and measures in place to counteract any snafu’s that may arise. I am good, cos Mrs. MIL is right there, willing and able to pick up and run with stuff if necessary.

I wanted to send off the dress order today, but that needs my Mum … and I woke up too late to get her to do anything. That means that tonite it MUST be done. And that puts any plans of raiding out of the question for tonite. I am a little miffed … cos for the first time in WEEKS, I actually FELT like raiding.

I have honey-sunshine to thank for that … he helped me discover that the game CAN be fun again. My warrior who has been sitting idle for MONTHS suddenly is back into play paired with his healer druid. And something ELSE just occurred to me. Honey-sunshine and I have these alts (oh so MANY of them) because we wanna keep having fun with the game. We get tired and weary of the grind to 70 or the grind for gold or rep or whatever, and it’s just nice to hop on a fun alt every now and then and remember the fun part of the game. He’s a smart man, my honey-sunshine.

And speaking of the warrior, and if you’ll pardon me for waxing WoW-ophosical today… Continue reading

being productive

With interview date in hand, my motivation and drive have shifted into high gear. I got out today and did much, including getting a whiteboard to make my lists on. I have little lists scattered everywhere and no where that I can refer to at a moment’s notice. It seemed to me a good idea to have them displayed where I could ALWAYS see them. That it would help to get me organized and stay that way.

It’s also empowering to know that I can cross off one thing already. =)

We’ve set a wedding date. I am mindful of the fact that the accursed embassy officials could deny me this visa, but I chose to think positively. I can see no real reason why they would and I am going to ensure that they have all they have asked for. I still have some running up and down to do, but I have 6 weeks in which to do it. I see no reason why they can’t all get covered satisfactorily.

That damned homesickness better stay far away – I don’t have time for it anymore. I have things to do, people to see and places to go. :D

Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel.

homesick?

From Wikipedia:

Symptoms in homesickness may be emotional, cognitive, or physical. In extreme cases, physical health problems accompany the hallmark symptom of homesickness, which is preoccupying thoughts of home. Most people describe homesickness as a want or longing to be back home, continuously missing their parents, spouse, relatives, friends, mates and aspects of their familiar environments. People may describe their feelings as a deep sadness, depression, frustration, anger, or hopelessness. In very rare instances, suicidal thoughts may accompany feelings of missing home.[citation needed]

When physical symptoms, called “somatization”, occur, the complaints are similar to common stress reaction. Symptoms may include cramps, ulcers, diarrhea, headaches, tense muscles, vomiting, tears, crying and withdrawal, etc. Note that the symptoms of homesickness, as well as the ways of coping with it (discussed below) are idiosyncratic. Different people experience homesickness differently and cope with it in different way

Well …. “a want or longing to be back home”, “continuously missing  .. spouse …”, “deep sadness … depression … frustration … hopelessness”; and the physical “cramps … diarrhea, headaches … tears … withdrawal” … all me.

/sigh

The worst parts are: hearing he is almost as bad, not feeling able to “get up and at ‘em” and having everybody worried. I think, in this instance, the restriction of a job might have been useful. At least then I would HAVE to get up and at ‘em. Of course I tell myself that the amount of time I would have to take from said job might actually put me back in this position anyway. /sigh vicious cycle.

It comes in fits and starts … I’ll be fine today, on top of the world, singing and happy and content with what’s right in my world. And then suddenly, it’ll all plunge into darkness. Thankfully the dark episodes don’t last long and my friends keep me from withdrawing altogether (THANKS DJ – it was you who did it today – in case you didn’t know already.)

But at the end of the day … I know what I ultimately need is a DURNED DATE ALREADY!  Man! This is TORTURE!

Anyway, I’m on an upswing right now. Not exactly sure it’ll take me to the top, but right now I am up enough to be able to appreciate the suhweet smell of stew peas coming from the kitchen. :D I’ma go sample some right now.

Stop, all you yaadies abroad – I am not being cruel … just bloggin’ my thoughts here! :P heh. I’ll let you know how GOOOOOOD it was, m’k? hehe

read-addictions

OMG OMG OMG OMG….

I have discovered my old addictions!!!! En Masse!!!

Yesterday, since I knew I’d have to wait in the doctor’s office, I took this book that a new friend had recommended HIGHLY to me – it’s call The Testament by a man named Eric Van Lustbader. The cover proclaims him the author of the Bourne Legacy … but somehow, I thought that the Bourne books were Robert Ludlum’s legacy. Hmm.. Anywho, I didn’t have any doubts it would be a good read … but GOOD GOD … I didn’t have ANY idea just how GOOD a read it would be!!!

I started yesterday morning in the doctor’s office, paused for a few hours while I saw the doctor and got the divorce decree copies and came home and re-started the read at about 4ish. At 9:30pm is when I lifted my head …. when the book was done! I just could NOT put the damn thing down! It is THAT good!

Non-stop action, quirks and new spins at every turn of the page, suspicions get so confusing at one point, your head literally swirls with suspicion and any and everybody in the book. You get thrown a couple of curve-balls, but it is just the unending action and intrigue that keep you guessing.

The backdrop? Religious history, the concept of the secret order protecting time-worn secrets that could bring religion and history crashing down in one fell swoop. In fact, in a lot of ways, the books reminds me of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code – but geez … SO much more exhaustive. While Dan focused on one solid fact (that has been in debate ever since), Eric seems to focus on many things at once … eventually narrowing it down to one thing so mystical that it can’t possibly be real … or can it?

Oh man! I’d read that again today! I can just imagine what a solidly exciting MOVIE it’d make.

The best part? One of the villains of the piece is named Camille. *evil laugh* Isn’t that peachy? I don’t identify with that character in ANY form, but it IS kinda nice to see your name in print every 2 paragraphs. Especially considering it isn’t a name you come across too often in fiction. heh.

Oh yea – if you like religious history, global intrigue, plot twists like no vine you’ve ever seen, solid characters and impossible guessing games …. THIS book is for you. It’s got a little of everything and a lot of intrigue and thrill. Gooooo… get it!!!!! Now. Go go go go go go go!!!!

Solid.

today

I don’t usually pay attention to beggars. More often than I can remember, when I’ve reached out to help them with kind, they curse me because it’s the money they want instead. One incident remains clear in my head; I was in high school and there was always a little old man sitting by the side of the road on my way home from school begging for “fifty cents to buy a bit of bread”. I used to give him that 50 cents … sometimes it was my last. Until one day, I saw him at the corner store doling out the many 50 cent pieces from his pocket to buy cigarettes. I never gave him another cent. Another one was on my way to buy lunch one day at work, and one dude asks for money. I go into the store, buy him food and drink and come back out to give to him and he calls me all colours of fabric – he didn’t want the food, he wanted the money.

For a long time, I ignored them. Today, I didn’t. Mom and I were home today together and at lunch time I said I wanted patties. So out I went and while I was parking, there is a dude outside the compound, sticking his hand through the railing asking for a patty. If he’s asking for food, he just might be hungry, I tell myself. And so I buy him a patty and a boxed drink. It felt good to hand it over to him and see his smile and hear his thanks. He sat down and I think he might’ve been done eating by the time I drove out of the compound. That felt good.

Sometimes, people in need will ask, and responding to those people is rewarding.

It was a nice quiet day. Mom and I talked a bit, she slept a lot – which is good. Cos the tired is beginning to show on her. I wish my parents would slow down. It seems to me they have altogether too much on their plate … and no amount of stern lectures is getting me anywhere near their reason center. I fear it is something drastic that will get them to stop. And on the heels of that, a certain guilt that I won’t be around for a lot longer. /sigh

In other news, still no word on my interview date, yet preparations move onward. Tomorrow is the doctor to discuss these immunizations the embassy insists on. And then to Supreme Court to pick up my copies … and finally on Wednesday, to get this certificate/letter of non-impediment to marriage. Now all I need is a damned date! Come on Embassy peops … it’s time to let me move. The distance is beginning to wear us both thin … and it’s been barely a month!

Anywho, it’s just about bedtime … and so off I go to dream land. For the last week or so, no nightmares. I am grateful. Though the anxiety remains, I seem to be fairly calm. Which, all things considered, is a feat in itself. I keep sane with stories of Bear and honey-sunshine’s day. It’s funny how life for me has changed, init?

Someone offered me a job this weekend. I declined. I don’t think I can handle that just now at all. And I wonder what kind of work I will be able to do … but all that is in the future, and right now, I need to keep in the present. As my mother would say “Cross that bridge when you get to it” …  and so the bridges that I am currently crossing are the ones that I try to keep my eye on. Don’t want to be falling off now … gotta keep the faith.

philosophical ramblings

Everybody has boundaries. Most often, they are set indirectly, without much drama early on and are maintained and adjusted as life moves and shifts for those involved. Sometimes, however, boundaries need to be addressed directly, and when they are not … or when one or both persons have no concept of boundaries, then it essentially is a recipe for disaster.

I think I fail to establish boundaries early in relationships. I think that when life changes for me, and the boundaries inevitably shift, if my relationships aren’t grounded properly, then I end up in a mire. A pit of drama and stress and sadness … and yes, anger.

Thankfully, I still seem to have some healthy relationships, and somehow they have survived the many shifts my life has undergone in the last few years. I have to say that some people are understanding and respectful … and that some … simply are not.

It would seem to me that I am one of the most malleable of personalities. I could be wrong. I don’t do change very well, but I understand when change is inevitable and that adjustment is necessary lest the walls all fall down. I try to adjust and most times I end up doing it silently. Maybe that is my curse. Maybe if I were loud and vocal about the changes when they happen … maybe if I spoke about my own feelings as life shifts, then maybe I would get the same kind of respect and understanding that I give so freely.

On the other hand, that some people seem to intuitively know when the shifts happen, what they are and what they mean and hence render that kind of drama unnecessary, it says to me that maybe I am not completely wrong in how I approach things when the shoe is on the other foot. If there is true understanding and respect, then there is no need to give voice to some very obvious facts.

I make these changes in how I interact almost imperceptibly. Sometimes it creates angst, sometimes it’s effortless. I would never think to express these things out loud because to me, changes like this are inevitable. However, maybe it is the establishment of solid boundaries that enable this kind of dynamic. When boundaries are not set, change is a catalyst for disaster. Expectations not being met are a source of anger and bitterness and it can spiral into a catastrophic disaster.

In a couple of situations I have been in, now that I look back, I realize there were no boundaries. None at all. From the get go, it was seamless integration of one with another. When change rendered that an inoperable situation, expectations were not being met. Then, a complete and utter breakdown in communication dealt the final death blow. It has taken a couple of these for me to see the picture clearly … one should have been enough. But “clear” is not a word that can be used to describe how my life has been for a while … well, at least not until now.

Bottom line, I need to learn how to set my boundaries early on – regardless of what my current state of mind is. At the end of the day, when the boundaries start getting violated, there is at least a possibility for recourse. In all those situations I alluded to before, since no boundaries had been set in the beginning, when I felt violated, there was nothing I could do or say. My reaction was to withdraw. I couldn’t voice my feelings because there was no basis on which to be heard. Consequently, that created the catalyst for the eventual downfall of them all. The ideal situation would have been to be able to maturely sit down and discuss what was happening and make a new directive …. but I failed there also. I have no experience there; I wouldn’t know where to start.

Life is one long lesson … how well we learn is a measure of the type of people we are.

I sure hope I have learned and even more importantly, that I can continue to learn. There is still further for me to go.